But since she did exist—
He paused. He still needed to think more carefully for her sake.
“I don’t understand.”
What good would seeing him once accomplish?
Chu Zhao sat down across from him, poured herself a cup of fruit tea, drained it in one gulp, then said, “That’s my father. I’m his daughter. We must see each other one last time.”
Deng Yi said, “What good will seeing him once do? You know your father’s physical condition. Seeing him once won’t bring him back from death.”
These words left one at a loss for how to respond. Chu Zhao felt somewhat helpless. “Lord Deng, one cannot reason like this.”
Deng Yi said coolly, “Your Majesty finds it amusing, but this is the kind of person this official is.” He drained the fruit tea in one gulp. “That day in the palace, I already performed distant prostrations to my mother.”
Even though he’d obtained the imperial seal and tiger tally bestowed by the Emperor, he’d never had the thought of fighting his way out of the palace to see if his mother was safe.
“That would be a futile and useless act,” he said. “Other than providing comfort to your spirit, what else would it accomplish?”
It seemed there truly was nothing else. Chu Zhao said nothing.
“From the moment we’re born, we begin to lose things. What we must do is grasp what we can grasp, not covet what we cannot keep,” Deng Yi said. “Especially people like you and me who have reached this position today—if we become trapped by greed, anger, and delusion, not only will we fall into suffering ourselves, but those around us will meet bad ends as well.”
Chu Zhao was silent for a moment. “In all my life, no one has ever spoken to me this way.” She raised her fruit tea in a solemn salute. “Thank you, Teacher, for instructing me.”
She had called him Teacher.
Deng Yi neither objected to nor cared about her form of address. “That’s only because you hadn’t reached this position. There was no need to tell you these things.”
Chu Zhao thought to herself that she had reached this position before, then shook her head. No, that wasn’t right. In that other life when she’d been Empress, it was different from being Empress now. In that life, the Empress had been dependent on Xiao Xun. In this life, she had come to this position of her own will.
The positions truly were different.
Chu Zhao drained her fruit tea again and said, “I came today to bid you farewell, Teacher. With you here, Zhao can go with peace of mind.”
With that, she stood and walked out.
Xiao Man followed close behind.
Peace of mind—she trusted him that much? Deng Yi remained seated at his desk without rising, picking up his chopsticks to slowly eat the dishes.
……
……
Chu Zhao walked through the palace halls. The eunuchs dispersed, leaving only her and Xiao Man. As they entered the passageway between the high palace walls, darkness swallowed them.
In the darkness, Chu Zhao removed the vermilion hairpin from her head, unfastened her jade ornaments, and shed her ornate ceremonial robes, revealing the practical traveling clothes underneath.
Of course she knew that seeing her father once wouldn’t bring him back from death, that it was futile and useless, accomplishing nothing except providing comfort to her spirit.
But what Deng Yi didn’t know was that this futile and useless thing was something she’d had to die once to earn.
If she could fulfill this wish, even dying once more would be worth it.
A person’s life is short and difficult. To fulfill even one wish is already the greatest fortune.