He softly interrupted Yang Wan.
“I’ll sit and watch over you.”
“You took off your official robe, aren’t you cold?”
“No.”
Yang Wan raised her arm and gently lifted a corner of the blanket.
Deng Ying stepped back, “Yang Wan… don’t treat me like this.”
Yang Wan turned her arm, reaching her hand out from under the blanket. The red marks left by the shackles were still there, standing out particularly stark against her snow-white skin.
“Deng Ying, you once said you were a person with guilt. Although I never mocked you for it, at the time I thought it was absurd – how could someone be guilty just for being imprisoned and tortured? But today I understand. I understand why you think that way, why you’re so humble because even I cannot help but be humble now. The dynasty establishes justice, and the emperor establishes prisons, it’s for education, but also to make people feel fear. I was very afraid today… Deng Ying, that day at South Lake, you were very afraid too, weren’t you…”
She choked up after speaking, “I’m sorry, Deng Ying. At that time, I didn’t understand others’ pain at all, thinking I was already being very careful and measured… Looking back now, I was truly just being presumptuous about my cleverness. I offended you greatly, yet you kept stepping back, supporting what I called my dignity. Deng Ying… I’m sorry. But you must believe me, the words I said to you, won’t change. I want to help you, I must help you…”
By the end, she was choking with sobs, and Deng Ying watched her helplessly, not knowing how to comfort her.
“No, Wan Wan… don’t say such things.”
Yang Wan hadn’t heard what he called her in his urgency, she just kept repeating “I’m sorry…”
Deng Ying bent down to take off his shoes and socks, lying down against the edge of the bed. He didn’t know what to say either, he could only comfort her by opening his heart like he did that day in the torture chamber, “That day I wasn’t thinking of anything… I’m a person with a past but dare not hope for a future. It was only because your pinky promised to come to find me that I had such a slight fantasy. So it’s alright, Wan Wan, it’s alright…”
Perhaps it was the words “it’s alright” that comforted Yang Wan, as she gradually calmed down, her breathing becoming steadier.
Deng Ying didn’t dare move again, lightly tucking the blanket between them.
That night, Deng Ying stayed sitting beside Yang Wan.
Yang Wan’s hand lay on the back of his hand, and whether from nightmares or pain, she would grip it from time to time.
Deng Ying no longer tried to avoid it, letting her touch and grasp.
It wasn’t the first time she had touched him, but this time felt different to Deng Ying.
It was no longer giving but seemed to want to take something from him.
He had once told Yang Wan that what he hoped to receive from her was pity for a servant.
But now he could no longer say those words.
He didn’t know the specific reason why.
Some things gradually change with the passing of months and years, cracks forming silently and imperceptibly.
In the past, separated by paper, Yang Wan could respect him but couldn’t love him.
Now, sitting together on the same bed, she could finally respect him, and try to love him.