She knew Deng Ying couldn’t fully understand, and after speaking, she lowered her head with a private smile. Though mindful of the person behind her and holding back her laughter, her whole being relaxed. Dropping the poker, she gently swayed her legs while warming her hands by the fire, casually asking Deng Ying, “Is the cloth still cool?”
The person behind her fell silent again.
Yang Wan sighed helplessly, about to stand up to change the cloth when he suddenly spoke again.
“Still cool.”
“Alright.”
Since Deng Ying had spoken, she didn’t insist, hugging her legs as she curled back into her sitting position, “Then you sleep a while. I’ll warm myself by the fire a bit longer before leaving.”
The room wasn’t large, and the charcoal flames cast warm yellow light on the walls. The two sat close together without speaking – one deliberately maintaining physical distance, the other striving to maintain emotional distance. But there was no ill will between them, so the atmosphere wasn’t awkward. Yang Wan even started humming Jay Chou’s “Coral Sea.”
Deng Ying tried to move his leg, but the heart-piercing pain instantly drained his strength. He couldn’t help but draw in a sharp breath.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Please don’t turn around, Miss.”
Yang Wan made a sound of acknowledgment, reached for the poker again, and casually stirred the charcoal fire, following his wishes by helping him cover his sudden moment of weakness.
“Miss Yang.”
“Yes?”
“After you leave, please don’t tell anyone you saw me in this state.”
Yang Wan felt unhappy hearing these words. “Is that what you think of me?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
Deng Ying couldn’t explain such a direct question.
He was already in this state, with no reputation left to protect, but the person before him was Yang Lun’s sister. Whatever her reasons for caring for him, he didn’t want her to suffer harm because of him.
But he dared not say this directly, so he fell into silence again.
Yang Wan shifted her legs to one side, turning slightly toward Deng Ying, though her eyes still watched the flickering sparks in the charcoal brazier, “You never speak truthfully. It makes me feel bad too.”
After speaking, she fell silent, no longer humming as before.
When Deng Ying hadn’t heard her voice for a very long time, he couldn’t help turning his head to look at her.
Yang Wan sat there cupping her face, motionless, her cheeks flushed red from the fire.
Deng Ying thought she was angry and felt somewhat regretful.
“Deng Ying… meant no disrespect to Miss.”
He tried to explain.
“I know.”
She responded with just two words, her emotions quite obvious, but Deng Ying still couldn’t handle it.
He opened his mouth, then stopped himself.
In the past, he had spent too much time on the palace construction projects, delaying marriage and children. Until now, he still didn’t understand the meaning behind women’s words. So while he didn’t want to see Yang Wan upset, he didn’t know how to speak with her.
He had just endured a humiliating punishment and lay there almost completely exposed, unable to move, with nothing to comfort her. After hesitating for a long time, he finally tried to express his true feelings.
“I’m sorry. Deng Ying doesn’t speak with Miss because, in his current state, he is ashamed to be in the same room with you.”
Yang Wan started.
Behind these words was an obvious desire for self-harm.
“Don’t think that way.”
She responded without hesitation.
“You do not need to feel shame before anyone. It’s the court that should feel shame before you. Executing an entire family for one person’s crime is neither benevolent nor just.”
Deng Ying gave a slight laugh.
“Father and son sharing guilt can’t be called unjust. I just can’t understand…”
He paused, and Yang Wan heard the sound of grinding teeth.
“I just can’t understand why I have to be here, enduring this punishment.”
This was more honest than anything he’d said before.
It was a self-revelation from her research subject, but Yang Wan found she could barely bear to hear it.
“Would you rather die?”
“No. If I preferred death, I would have truly starved myself from the beginning. I just feel the court is too…”
He ultimately didn’t allow himself to speak the improper words.
In Deng Ying’s gentleness and composure, Yang Wan suddenly felt a moment of genuine suffocation.
She gazed at her shadow cast on the ground, “Do you know the court treats you this way to use you?”
“I know.”