She was already broken, and the person who could have caught her was already dead.
“Sister, you’re wearing too little. Go lie on the couch to warm up first, let me clean up the floor, and then we can talk.”
Finally, after a long while, Yang Wan spoke.
She slowly helped Consort Ning sit on the bed. Then she straightened up and took a breath, silently holding back the tears in her eyes. Rolling up her sleeves, she crouched down to pick up the pieces from the floor.
Consort Ning held the edge of the bed, looking down at Yang Wan. “Wan’er.”
“Yes?”
“Why do you look so unwell?”
Yang Wan dared not raise her head, picking up the fragments while suppressing a cough, “It’s just that this year has been too cold, I caught a chill that hasn’t quite gone away.”
Consort Ning took her hand and tucked it into her quilts, choking back tears for a long while before saying, “Have you suffered much for Yi Lang’s sake?”
Yang Wan shook her head, “No, he has always protected me. Sister, he’s grown up now, and he can protect you too in the future.”
“I don’t need his protection.”
Yang Wan froze.
“Sister…”
“I don’t want to go to his side either.”
Consort Ning’s voice was without ripples, without even a trace of sorrow. She sighed, “The mother-son bond between us is already broken. He is the Emperor of the Great Ming, and I am just an abandoned mad woman. I know that whether it’s the Empress or the Empress Dowager, none of them want me to reclaim that child. It’s better to let him stay quietly in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, and not see me again.”
Yang Wan sat down by the bed, “His Majesty misses you very much.”
Consort Ning held Yang Wan’s hand, gently shaking her head, “I’m more afraid he’ll ask me why I abandoned him back then, why I was imprisoned by His Majesty. Wan’er… I don’t want to lie to my child, but… can I tell him what’s in my heart? Would he accept it? Could he tolerate me paying respects to a servant?”
Yang Wan tilted her head back, wiping away tears, her nose feeling hot.
“I understand everything.”
She said, lowering her head, “I won’t try to persuade you, Sister.”
Consort Ning looked down at her, saying softly, “Don’t cry, Wan’er.”
“I’m not crying.”
Though she said so, her voice carried traces of tears, and for a moment, emotions surged up. She had to turn away, pressing her fingers to her brow.
She felt some regret; this year she had rarely cried, whether in front of Yang Lun or Yi Lang, she had stood firm in her position, bravely loving Deng Ying and being good to him. But in front of Consort Ning, she was forced to recognize the tragic core hidden between her and Deng Ying.
Consort Ning embraced Yang Wan’s shoulders, letting her rest on her knee, “It’s alright, cry, Wan’er, it’s fine to cry here with your sister…”
“Mm.”
Yang Wan buried her head in Consort Ning’s lap, reaching out to embrace her.
Consort Ning gently stroked Yang Wan’s back, lowering her head to say softly, “How are you and the Depot Chief doing?”
Yang Wan spoke through her tears, “Not too well, but not badly either.”
Consort Ning brushed back Yang Wan’s damp forehead hair, “You’ve always been so brave.”
“No.”
Yang Wan turned her head, closing her eyes, “Sister, do you know? I’m the most frightened person.”
Hearing these words, Consort Ning was silent for a long time, finally slowly bending down to press her forehead against Yang Wan’s face, saying softly, “Sister knows, and sister also knows that all these years, you haven’t allowed yourself to be afraid. You’ve suppressed your fear and bravely protected many people, including me.”
“I haven’t protected you well.”
Consort Ning caressed Yang Wan’s cheek, shaking her head, “You told me that one day we would walk out of here, and I’ve been waiting. See, haven’t I waited for you?”
Yang Wan’s heart ached.
“Sister.”
“Yes?”
“Do you want to leave the palace?”
“Yes…”
Consort Ning tilted her head back, looking out the window.
Outside were plum trees like pink mist, cluster after cluster veiled behind the clean snow screen.
“I want to erase my name, identity, and past. And then…”
She swallowed the salt at her lips, “Then cleanly link my name with his again.”
“I’ll take you away, Sister.”
“What…”
“I’ll take you out of here.”
Yang Wan sat up straight, looking at Consort Ning, “Not as an Imperial Consort, not as an Empress Dowager, just as the person you want to be. You can make offerings to him, you can openly remember him.”
“Wan’er…”
“Sister, I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, and I’m not that presumptuous. I dare not make decisions for anyone. I just hope that I can become a bridge, not to help others cross, but to be a path of retreat behind you. Sister, though I was born in despair, as long as I live, I must give hope to others.”