He refused to turn around, so Yang Wan couldn’t see his expression as he spoke these words.
Until now, she still couldn’t fully comprehend how devastating castration was for a grown man, but she had glimpsed a fragile corner of Deng Ying’s spirit. Like “frost that melts easily, while the full moon rarely stays constant,” his nature was like the winter season – unafraid of ice and cold, yet displaying humility through his excessive silence.
As a person from later times, Yang Wan’s only remaining humility toward this era came from Deng Ying’s humility.
He respected the punishment that had humiliated him, understood the teacher who had abandoned him and defended old friends who had misunderstood him.
His forbearance was a life force that belonged to him alone.
Yang Wan understood all this, but she didn’t want to see the humility Deng Ying showed before her.
It wasn’t humility – it was true degradation.
This made her wonder: in the history where she hadn’t appeared, had Deng Ying ever loved anyone?
Did the person he loved know how to dissolve his sense of unworthiness?
“Deng Ying.”
“Mm.”
Yang Wan pulled the quilt to her shoulders, freed one hand to smooth the messy hair on her forehead, and said, “I’m thinking about the same question as you.”
“What?”
How do I deserve you treating me this way?
She said these words to herself in her heart.
But outwardly, she changed the subject, pointing at the mooncakes on the table: “Come get the mooncakes, I want to eat some too.”
The mooncakes Yang Wan brought were wrapped in oiled paper, three in total. The crust was different from the mooncakes Deng Ying had eaten before, seeming to be made from glutinous rice.
Deng Ying placed the oiled paper on his knee and took one out to give to Yang Wan.
Yang Wan withdrew her hand after breaking it open, and the icy filling spilled out.
“Try a bite.”
Deng Ying took the half mooncake, “Inside is…”
“Peanuts and dried fruits, ground together with ice. I originally taught He Yu and the others to make these to please the young prince. He especially likes them. Giving them to you is perhaps a bit presumptuous – just try it as something novel. My throat isn’t feeling well, I can’t eat these. I want one with meat filling – give me the one with the red heart mark.”
After speaking, she pointed to one stamped with a plum blossom pattern and said: “That one was made for Teacher Zhang.”
Deng Ying froze at her words.
Yang Wan pulled her hand back under the quilt, “I didn’t go pay my respects to Teacher Zhang last time, but I’ve always wanted to do what I could to show my regard for him.”
Deng Ying held the mooncake without speaking. The icy filling melted and ran down his wrist into his sleeve. He hurriedly lowered his head and took a bite.
Yang Wan watched him eating and couldn’t help but smile.
“Deng Ying, whether it’s Teacher Zhang or the people of Tongjia Academy, their deaths won’t be in vain.”
Deng Ying swallowed the cold sweetness in his mouth and replied: “But I’m afraid that in the future, no one will know how they died.”
“Someone will.”
Hearing her confident voice, Deng Ying couldn’t help but turn back, “Yang Wan, I am a person who has no control over my life or death. If one day, I end up like my teacher, I hope you won’t record me, won’t let anyone know how I died.”
Yang Wan was stunned for a moment before asking, “Why?”
“I don’t want anyone in the future to suffer questioning and humiliation like the people of Tongjia Academy did, ending up with such a fate, all because they wanted to prove something about me.”
He looked up at Yang Wan as he spoke, “I can live dishonorably because living cleanly is no longer possible. Since that’s the case, I want to listen to my teacher’s words, remember my position, and continue doing what I can do.”
Yang Wan looked at Deng Ying, “I’ve always wanted to ask you – have you made up your mind?”
Deng Ying looked at the half-mooncake in his hand, “I have. The previous emperor established the Eastern Depot to monitor the Embroidered Uniform Guard, but after His Majesty ascended the throne, he trusted the Zhang father and son, so the Eastern Depot became virtually powerless. Now, although Zheng Bingbi is the Superintendent Eunuch of the Eastern Depot, he cannot interfere with the affairs of the Northern Disciplinary Command.”
“You want this position.”
Deng Ying nodded at her.
“This time, when the Northern Disciplinary Command executed over eighty people from Tongjia Academy, although it indeed intimidated the Six Ministries and the Censorate, it also shocked His Majesty. Zheng Bingbi told me that He Zhangyin had met with Zhang Luo, after which Zhang Luo submitted Tongjia Academy’s crimes to His Majesty. Looking at it this way, the Ceremonial Office seems to have made two moves in one step: first, to silence the officials, and second, to force His Majesty to give power to the Eastern Depot.”
Yang Wan nodded, “But if He Yixian made this move, he must intend to keep the Eastern Depot position for his people.”
Deng Ying smiled slightly, “That’s his thinking, but in His Majesty’s mind, I might be more suitable.”
“Why?”
“Because I am alone.”
When he finished speaking these words, Yang Wan’s heart felt as if it had been pierced by an icy needle.
She had to bend over, pressing her knees against her chest.
Deng Ying’s voice didn’t stop, simply and laying out the current situation.
“Given my current position, I can neither be accepted by the Cabinet nor fully embraced by the Ceremonial Office. Using me, the Cabinet won’t criticize His Majesty for favoring He Yixian. His Majesty also won’t need to worry about the Ceremonial Office and Northern Disciplinary Command colluding to become ineffective again.”
Yang Wan suppressed her pain and coughed once before continuing, “So that’s why you’ve been desperately trying to complete the Taihe Hall reconstruction these past few days.”
“Yes, it must be finished before frost falls.”
Yang Wan felt short of breath, “You know, once you take that position, it’s like tearing yourself in half.”