“…” Shu Nian stared at him blankly, breathing out puffs of white mist that dispersed into the air. Her vision seemed to blur, the background melting into patches of color, nothing clear except his face which remained as distinct as ever.
The pounding rain seemed to suddenly cut off, and the world fell silent.
Shu Nian could only hear her heart’s ceaseless pounding, amplified in her mind, drowning out all reason. At that moment, she didn’t want to consider anything, didn’t want to appear timid in front of someone important to her.
She didn’t want her right to like someone to come with so many conditions attached.
She just wanted to follow her heart, to grab his hand, smile at him, and honestly tell him—
You don’t need to pursue me, I like you too.
I’ve been secretly liking you for some time now, but I was worried you liked someone else, worried you didn’t like me, so I didn’t dare tell you, afraid you would distance yourself from me if you knew.
Thankfully, you like me too.
I’m very happy.
Shu Nian wanted to tell him this.
She wanted to tell him this.
But when a person has been timid for so long, summoning courage again becomes extremely difficult. She would consider too much, imagine hundreds of future possibilities, and fear that future.
The impulse born from desire might not lead to a new way out.
But rather, a tunnel without light and end.
It was her dark tunnel, and she shouldn’t drag Xie Ru He into it.
He just liked her; he had no obligation to become her savior.
Shu Nian abandoned that response, looking at him with trembling eyelashes, her round eyes misted over in the rainy weather. She clutched her sleeve tightly, feeling a tightness in her chest and a lump in her throat.
She should refuse him.
The most rational action would be to refuse him.
If she could promptly cut off these feelings, and sever this budding emotion, then all the potential future unpleasantness would never happen.
Xie Ru He seemed unaware of what she was about to say, still looking at her with a patient, gentle expression, though with hints of nervousness and awkwardness, as raw as a young man.
Shu Nian suddenly couldn’t speak.
If she rejected him and told him not to do this anymore, he would probably be unhappy. His emotions had always been reserved; surely she must have shown signs of affection first for him to say such things.
Shu Nian didn’t want her cowardice to make Xie Ru He’s courage worthless.
She didn’t want that.
Perhaps because she hadn’t responded for so long, Xie Ru He gradually understood her meaning. He touched his neck, looked at the rain outside, and awkwardly changed the subject: “The rain has lessened. Let me take you home first.”
“…” An awkward atmosphere spread instantly.
Xie Ru He lowered his eyes, about to open his umbrella.
The next moment, Shu Nian suddenly grabbed his wrist.
Xie Ru He paused, turning to look at her.
“It’s just…” Shu Nian didn’t know what to say, only feeling that she couldn’t let the matter end like this, wanting to try harder. She wanted to tell him all the things she wanted to say, to say everything.
Xie Ru He was still waiting.
Shu Nian sniffled, slowly releasing his hand. Those feelings she dared not express, dared not confess, in the end, became an extremely humble statement: “It’s just… I have a psychological illness.”
“…”
She wanted to fight for herself this once.
If it didn’t work out, so be it.
If it didn’t work out, there seemed to be nothing to lose.
Shu Nian hung her head, her voice extremely low, like a timid kitten: “I think you should reconsider… whether or not to like me…”
Hearing this, Xie Ru He’s expression froze.
“I don’t think I misunderstood,” Shu Nian was nervous, her palms sweating, her words making little sense, “That is, when you said you were pursuing me, it should mean you like me…”
Xie Ru He’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and he suddenly called out to her: “Shu Nian.”
“Hmm, yes?” Shu Nian didn’t dare look at him, adding softly, “If you mind, it’s okay…”
Xie Ru He asked hoarsely: “Can you tell me what illness you have?”
“PTSD,” Shu Nian explained honestly, “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Trauma.
Xie Ru He had never learned about this illness and didn’t know its severity. But from Shu Nian’s previous behavior, he felt something very bad had happened, something so bad he dared not imagine.
Thinking that she had experienced such a desperate situation made Xie Ru He almost unable to breathe.
“Shu Nian, what happened to you?” Xie Ru He tried to make his voice as gentle as possible, trying not to frighten her. “Can you tell me?”
Shu Nian remained silent for a few seconds, then shook her head.