I couldn’t respond to Xie Xuanqing’s words. My jaw was so shocked that I momentarily lost the strength to close it.
“Why… did you?” I asked the question anyone would ask, but when I saw Xie Xuanqing lower his eyes, the suddenly dimmed color in them, I suddenly felt that I had asked an insignificant question.
It wasn’t that I undervalued those lost lives, nor did I think Xie Xuanqing was so pitiful that killing became irrelevant, but because… if Xie Zhuo could do such a thing back then, he must have had reasons that made it necessary.
I had lived with him for five hundred years. I might not understand all of him, but I trusted him, truly trusted him.
I knew he wasn’t a bloodthirsty, cruel monster. At this moment, I also knew that besides being a Snow Wolf demon, Xie Zhuo must have many other incredible secrets he was keeping from me.
Thinking of this, I felt somewhat distressed.
“Wait a moment…” I released my grip on his wrist and covered my face to steady my emotions. “Pretend I didn’t ask.”
I was reflecting on myself.
Why? WHY! For a full five hundred years! How could I know so little about Xie Zhuo!
Am I an idiot!?
Since the divorce and coming here, I’ve been pondering this. First, I didn’t know his power was so great. Second, I didn’t know what kind of demon he was. Now I discover I also didn’t know he carried such a heavy, bloody past.
What did I know?
Did I just know his name, appearance, and personality!?
I…
What was I even living for? Others live and marry and spend their days together, while I just played house in my marriage…
I covered my face, unable to hold back a long sigh.
Xie Xuanqing was always quiet, but now he was so silent it was as if he didn’t exist.
Until I finally calmed myself and looked up at him again, intending to have a heart-to-heart talk, I saw Xie Xuanqing with one hand against the wall, the other supporting his leg, looking as if he was about to stand up.
I froze. “What are you doing?” I asked him.
Xie Xuanqing turned to look at me, and in his eyes was a stillness like ice.
He revealed no emotion, only speaking to me in his usual cold voice: “Kunlun is nice. These days, thank you…”
“Wait, wait, wait…” I instinctively reached out to stop him. “I didn’t mean to drive you away. Sit down first…”
Xie Xuanqing froze, then sat down following the force of my hand.
I watched him sit, then realized…
Shouldn’t my goal be to make him leave? Why did I make him sit down? I should be showing fear and anxiety, then letting him leave Kunlun! Wouldn’t that work perfectly with the situation?
What am I doing!?
I stared blankly at the equally blank Xie Xuanqing.
However, during our eye contact, Xie Xuanqing’s expression gradually changed. I saw in his frozen pupils the gradual revelation of confusion and unease: “I will leave quietly.”
He said, “No one will know I was in Kunlun.”
I was done for again…
Once more, I felt sympathy.
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. After hesitating for a long time, I let out a short sigh and looked at him somewhat helplessly. “Xie Xuanqing, what have you been through?”
He stared at me blankly, a little confused and uneasy. He was like a helpless child, looking at me, waiting for me to pass judgment.
I couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes, so I lowered my head, looking at his long but excessively pale hands. I couldn’t help gently stroking them a couple of times. The back of his hand was cool. I stopped and covered the back of his hand, hoping to warm him a little. I spoke spontaneously:
“Xie Xuanqing, your past must have been very difficult.”
Xie Xuanqing’s hand trembled slightly.
“I hope in the future…” After saying these few words, I stopped, then came to my senses.
Xie Xuanqing’s future was Xie Zhuo.
Thinking of this, my emotions became extremely complex. Because I also recalled that in my memories, so distant they were blurred, I had once said these words to Xie Zhuo.
Or rather… it was to the current Xie Xuanqing, on our wedding day, when Xiaxia said in person: “Xie Xuanqing, I hope you won’t be so lonely anymore in the future!”
I had also said: “We’ll always be together from now on. I’ll talk to you, make you laugh, I will always, always like you just as I do now.”
At that time, Xie Zhuo’s eyes seemed to have been lit by a candle, slowly brightening.
Xie Zhuo rarely smiled, but that day, I saw him smile, slightly curving his lips, softening his gaze. He responded to me: “All right…”
The words still echoed in my ears. Five hundred years passed like a white horse glimpsed through a crack, gone in the blink of an eye. For some reason, I suddenly remembered the day of our divorce, the moment I cut the red thread, Xie Zhuo’s slightly pale face, and that brief, empty gaze…
That candle burning in his eyes seemed to be extinguished in that instant.
I suddenly realized that it had been such a painful moment.
It was the shattering of so many vows, and a complete denial of all past happiness.
Did Xie Zhuo feel sadness at that time…
My hand was squeezed.
The pressure brought me back to reality. I looked up somewhat dazedly at Xie Xuanqing before me.