But she felt that if this could serve as an explanation to the Cheng family, that would be good too.
However, Cheng Xu continued making a fuss.
She feared the Liao family would find out.
She asked elder sister: “What about the match with the Lin family?”
Elder sister said: “Your brother-in-law and I discussed it and feel it would be better to find you a better marriage match instead!”
She trusted elder sister and didn’t inquire further.
Who knew that Lin Shisheng would come calling himself.
He was tall, handsome, and distinguished-looking, with bright and sincere eyes.
She didn’t like him.
After all, hadn’t Cheng Lu and Cheng Xu also been distinguished-looking, appearing gentle as jade, modest and sincere?
Lin Shisheng, as if knowing what she worried about, produced a document for her, saying: “If you don’t trust me, we can establish written proof.”
She drove Lin Shisheng away.
Elder sister rushed over afterward, asking breathlessly: “What did Lin Shisheng say to you?”
She handed elder sister the document she hadn’t yet had time to tear up.
Elder sister sighed softly, folding the document and placing it in her sleeve.
Lin Shisheng left but returned again, requesting to see elder sister.
Elder sister urged her: “Why don’t you consider it?”
If Lin Shisheng looked more ordinary, she might have felt safer.
She shook her head.
“Then I’ll go decline Lin Shisheng.” Elder sister rose. Before she could leave the room, Chi Xiang ran in, saying: “First Madam, that Lord Lin and Master Cheng Xu have started fighting.”
Elder sister hurried outside. She grabbed hold of elder sister, saying: “Elder sister, you should agree to the Lin family match right in front of that person!”
“But?” Elder sister frowned.
She said: “Rather than marrying someone and still having to hide and conceal things, better to marry Lin Shisheng openly and honorably.”
Elder sister pondered for a long while before agreeing with a “Good.”
Just like that, she married into the Lin family. One year later, she took a concubine for Lin Shisheng and moved to the Lin family’s farm to recuperate.
But when Lin Shisheng brought his newborn son to visit her, as she gazed at that tender, soft infant whose eyes were as clear as the blue sky with a faint tinge of blue, her heart suddenly twisted in agony and she felt regret.
If that child had still been alive, he would have looked like this too, wouldn’t he?
He would have nestled softly in her arms, eyes wide open curiously gazing at her, sucking on his little fingers unwilling to let go… Although the child would have been Cheng Xu’s, she would have borne him—he would have carried half her bloodline too!
That night, her tears soaked the pillow.
But she couldn’t say anything, couldn’t speak of it, couldn’t even show the slightest abnormality—because in the spring of the year she married, elder sister and brother-in-law’s first child miscarried, and afterward elder sister could never conceive again.
If elder sister knew she had regrets about what happened back then, where would that leave elder sister? What would elder sister’s suffering amount to?
She recalled what elder sister had said that day—if there’s any karmic retribution, let it fall on me.
Could this be the retribution?
The sin that should have fallen upon her had instead fallen upon elder sister and brother-in-law!
How innocent were elder sister and brother-in-law, bearing sins that should never have been theirs to bear.
Not only could she not regret it, she had to forget it all, act as if those things had never happened, and live properly, live happily.
But in the deep of night when all was quiet, she still couldn’t help thinking of that child, thinking of the night she lost the child… as if tightly bound by vines, unable to sleep through the night, unable to breathe.
She began observing vegetarian fasts and chanting Buddhist sutras, begging the Bodhisattva to forgive her sins, begging the Bodhisattva to bless elder sister and brother-in-law with flourishing descendants, asking that any retribution fall upon her instead… It wasn’t until five years later, when elder sister struggled to give birth to nephew Liao Chengfang, that she finally breathed a sigh of relief.
Now, the blood on her fingertips had turned over those memories again. Years of endurance shattered like a broken water jar, the deeply hidden secret flowing out. Zhou Shaojin couldn’t distinguish whether she was in her past life or present life as she began crying hysterically.
As if this could provide an outlet for the pain that had been blocked in her chest all along, so that the hurt, regret, self-reproach, and guilt wouldn’t be so heavy.
“Elder sister, elder sister.” She buried herself against Zhou Chujin’s shoulder, crying uncontrollably, “I regret it so much, regret it so much… but I couldn’t tell anyone… it was I who didn’t want that child… I was afraid telling you would make you sad… no matter how many sutras I chant, how many vegetarian meals I eat, I can’t wash away the sins on my body… why won’t the Bodhisattva take me… why make me suffer through this again…”