The night before going to F University to find Li Wu, Cen Jin had considered whether she should continue this relationship.
Because Li Wu’s grief and pain had confused her too, making her doubt whether they were truly suitable for each other.
The answer, of course, was that they weren’t.
This was a conclusion that could have been foreseen from the very beginning.
From every angle, every aspect, she and Li Wu were unsuitable.
But what she couldn’t deny or ignore was that she liked him, and he had planted many beautiful details in her life. Perhaps they weren’t particularly prominent, but when she quieted her heart to dig deeper, she found little treasures glimmering everywhere.
She didn’t want to give up hastily.
After washing up, Cen Jin rummaged through her things and found her college diary.
Back then, she had liked notebooks with macaron-colored covers, sufficiently girlish, sufficiently bright, like old jars filled with candy.
At nineteen, she had also started an ambiguous relationship with Wu Fu. The pages were filled with intense, poetic girlish sentiments—her heart would flutter at his mere glance, she would sourly critique every girl who approached him, and every word Wu Fu confided in her was like a strawberry-flavored effervescent tablet dropped into her body, allowing her to live an entire day in a pink, surging halo.
Later, when they got together, the diary entries became even more unbearable—manic, saccharine, life-and-death dramatics, constant anxiety, and occasional wishes as if to a wishing well: I want to be with him forever and ever, he’s the best and most worthy of love.
She had been deeply immersed in it. To be with Wu Fu, she completely ignored her parents’ advice and accepted their challenge of studying abroad. After returning home, she unhesitatingly chose to work at Wu Fu’s company, squeezing into his department even though she didn’t particularly like it. She had fought through thorns and brambles for what she thought was “love,” willingly becoming an armor-clad princess just to walk toward the standard fairy tale ending with her ideal prince.
After closing the diary, Cen Jin finally understood why Li Wu gave her such a strong sense of déjà vu.
He was who she had been back then.
She who had made love the main theme of her life—his purity, confusion, directness, obtuseness, softness, sharpness, docility, courage, childlike heart—all of these were the Cen Jin of the past.
Cen Jin asked herself if she regretted it.
Not necessarily.
It was just that no one had told her then, guided her. She was like the child in that strange woman’s letter, plunging headlong into her destiny as if falling into an abyss.
So she didn’t want to repeat those mistakes.
Couldn’t let Li Wu repeat those mistakes.
He was her lover, and also the purest, most beautiful young man in her heart. She couldn’t let things drift aimlessly.
At least, if this relationship didn’t make it to the end when he looked back on it in the future, Cen Jin shouldn’t be a cautionary tale, making him regret and harbor bitterness.
Moreover, hadn’t the lesson from freshman year been enough? All that hesitation and fussing over trivial misunderstandings.
So she went to find him the next day, having set some enticing traps beforehand.
Before going, Cen Jin had been uncertain, after all, the young man had left with unusual determination, refusing to stop despite her calls.
But things progressed much more smoothly than she had imagined, and she confirmed through this that Li Wu was like her—a paper tiger, a cactus that would bloom.
Those words she wanted to say to him were also what she wanted to say to her nineteen-year-old self.
Rejecting this kind of high-purity, high-concentration love would be equivalent to rejecting her former self.
Cen Jin couldn’t do that, at least not right now.
Fortunately, she had said it, and he had listened. When the young man fell asleep peacefully in her arms, she could finally close her eyes calmly.
After the storm, they shared the serenity under the clearing sun.
They slept until past two in the afternoon, and Cen Jin went to check out at the front desk.
Looking back at Li Wu, his condition had improved considerably, the light returning to his eyes like gleaming black gems. Cen Jin’s heart lifted with joy, and she curved her lips in a smile: “Do you have anything else to do later?”
Li Wu asked: “What about you?”
Cen Jin said: “Nothing.”
Li Wu said: “Me neither.”
Cen Jin casually fastened the top toggle button of his coat, looking up: “Let’s go on a date.”
Over the past few months, with him in school and her at work, they’d spent most of their time at home, never having gone on a proper date like regular couples.
Li Wu held one of her hands, eyes flickering with amusement: “Where to?”
Cen Jin asked: “Where do you want to go?”
Li Wu said: “You decide.”
“But today I want to follow your lead.”
“I’m fine with anywhere.”
“Me too.”
The hotel receptionist watched the two of them gazing at each other, pushing and pulling back and forth, and smiled teasingly: “You two are so polite in your dating.”
Cen Jin turned to look at her, with a serious face: “Because we just met today.”
The receptionist’s eyes widened in an “oh really” expression.
Li Wu smiled gently, understanding her playfulness.
Cen Jin asked the receptionist again: “Do you have any recommendations?”
The receptionist was startled but quickly suggested: “Just go to Nanhuai Road to shop, eat, and watch a movie.”