After that day, Talia began struggling desperately to escape the love that had hardened into habit over the years.
She had tried before to carve those feelings for him out of herself, but never this desperately.
She shoved the dress he had chosen deep into the back of her wardrobe and instead wore the dress that had made him frown the moment he saw it. Then she began attending the banquets regularly hosted at the Empress’s palace.
Naturally, Varkas, as her guard knight, was forced to follow her into those vulgar nights of indulgence and decadence.
For someone who had been raised like an ascetic monk until the age of fourteen, the spectacle must have been utterly contemptible.
It was not a comfortable place for Talia either.
Inside halls filled with Senevier’s worshippers, she was treated like a miniature replica of the Empress herself.
They regarded Talia — a young girl with the Empress’s face — as an amusing toy.
Quite a few of them showed active interest in her.
The way they treated her like a substitute for her mother filled her with humiliation, yet Talia pretended to enjoy the attention lavished upon her.
She wanted to flaunt herself before Varkas.
Look at what you threw away.
I’ll become more beautiful than Aila.
As beautiful as Mother.
She wanted him to see how many people desired her.
Perhaps, deep down, part of her had hoped he would stop her.
But as always, Varkas merely carried out his duties in silence.
Whether she drank herself senseless among men or exchanged flirtatious nonsense with someone twice her age, he did not care in the slightest.
That indifferent attitude only fueled the dangerous impulse consuming her.
He had remained at her side for seven whole years.
Could he not worry at least a little?
Could he not try to stop her?
Those childish thoughts clung stubbornly to the corners of her mind and refused to disappear.
It almost felt as though if she completely ruined herself, she might finally be able to cast off this pathetic lingering attachment.
With the recklessness of someone abandoning herself, she began surrounding herself with strange men.
She even allowed them to touch her hands, face, and hair with admiring fingers, or bury their noses against the nape of her neck in grotesque fascination.
She disliked being handled as though she were some porcelain doll.
And yet, she did not hate the intoxicated, enchanted look in their eyes.
Sometimes it even made her feel like a god.
Whenever she was swallowed by that sensation, failing to possess Varkas alone suddenly seemed trivial.
She clung desperately to that feeling.
If she buried herself deeply enough in those intoxicating moments, surely this childish first love would eventually shrivel up and die.
She immersed herself even further in the shallow, decadent games men and women played together.
Gradually, she even became accustomed to dangerous little games of tension — exchanging suggestive jokes and light caresses while balancing on the edge of something improper.
Then, after spending who knew how long buried in those precarious days, a southern nobleman named Margus approached her.
At first, she paid him little attention.
She attended banquets every evening and mingled with countless men, but not a single one remained in her memory.
And yet, at some point, his name began lingering familiarly in her mind.
The man had captured her attention in a strangely peculiar way.
He treated her almost like a young niece or an immature child.
At times, he even offered advice as though genuinely worried about her.
At first, his audacious attitude irritated her, but gradually Talia began lowering her guard around him.
Unlike the other men who seized every opportunity to touch her, he always maintained an appropriate distance while remaining warm and friendly.
And that was not all.
He behaved as though he had no ulterior motives whatsoever — clowning around merely to make her laugh, bringing her toys and dolls instead of jewels or revealing dresses as gifts.
Little by little, Talia began feeling comfortable around him.
Perhaps he had noticed the affection-starved child lurking inside her.
He slipped effortlessly into the cracks in her defenses.
And then, four days before her coming-of-age ceremony, he destroyed the castle of trust he had painstakingly built.
Late at night, while Varkas was away, the man came to visit her detached palace.