Coming out of Noble Consort Chen’s sleeping quarters, Xie Yuzhang walked very slowly — so slowly she herself felt nothing of it until Lin Fei called out to her with a complicated expression, and she suddenly came back to herself.
The palace attendants and eunuchs behind her had not adjusted to her pace. The princess they served had always moved with light, swift steps, fluttering through the palace like a butterfly in flight.
Yet the speed and bearing of her walking just now had been like that of an aging palace consort who had not been favored by the Emperor in years — slow and meek.
Facing the puzzled and astonished gazes of those around her, Xie Yuzhang’s expression did not change. She had faced far too many kinds of gazes over the years, many of them filled with malice. She had long since learned to meet them with the composure of still, undisturbed water.
“I want to talk with A’Fei. All of you walk further away,” she said.
The palace attendants halted in their steps. When Xie Yuzhang and Lin Fei had walked some distance ahead, they followed at a far-off distance behind.
“I thought Elder Sister liked me,” Xie Yuzhang said, her face without expression.
Before she had been sent for the marriage alliance, she had believed that everyone in this palace liked her.
Yet just now, in Noble Consort Chen’s sleeping quarters, she had read with absolute clarity from Princess Anle Xie Yunlan’s smile how much disdain the woman felt for her.
Thinking back on it, Princess Anle Xie Yunlan had been her exact opposite in almost every way.
She herself was lively and carefree — so Xie Yunlan was dignified and virtuous. She herself was gifted in music and could sing and dance — so Xie Yunlan devoted her efforts to poetry and literature. She herself dressed in bright and striking colors — so Xie Yunlan chose pale and elegant refinement…
In the past, she had simply assumed this was due to the difference in their personalities. But in reality, where she could not compete in one direction, Xie Yunlan simply took a different path. It was, in fact, the very same tactic the palace consorts used in their competition for the Emperor’s favor.
Lin Fei looked up in surprise, and seeing Xie Yuzhang watching her, she parted her lips but did not, as she used to, offer comfort. Under Xie Yuzhang’s gaze, clear as still water, she lowered her eyes.
“Elder Sister Anle dislikes me,” Xie Yuzhang said softly. “You… have always known.”
How could she not have known?
She was clearly the Emperor’s eldest daughter, clearly the daughter of a woman who was supremely favored in the inner palace — yet in everything she was overshadowed by Xie Yuzhang. If she herself had been Xie Yunlan, she doubted she could have liked Xie Yuzhang either.
Only her own naive little princess could have believed in the deep bond of sisters, that blood was thicker than water.
Lin Fei said in a low voice, “In this palace, no matter who likes or dislikes Your Highness — as long as the Emperor cherishes you, that is enough.”
This was truly the unshakeable truth of the inner palace.
Before Xie Yuzhang turned fourteen, she had, in fact, lived by precisely that truth.
Xie Yuzhang laughed at herself and strode forward again, continuing in a low voice, “I’ve thought it through.”
Lin Fei was puzzled. “Thought what through?”
“The marriage alliance.” Xie Yuzhang said. “It’s actually not that terrible.”
Lin Fei’s expression changed. She stepped quickly to walk close beside Xie Yuzhang and lowered her voice urgently. “Your Highness, please don’t let your thoughts run wild. Nothing is decided yet. We still have room to plan. Perhaps we could go and appeal to the Crown Prince…”
But Xie Yuzhang laughed.
She said with a smile, “A’Fei, don’t be tense.”
Lin Fei was stunned. She knew Xie Yuzhang to the very depths of her soul, and had never seen her smile like this before — a smile as though she had already passed through long years of hardship, a smile as still and deep as water with not a ripple upon it.
“Something that feels unbearable when it is happening to you yourself…” Xie Yuzhang said, “it is only when you hold it up against others’ misfortunes that you realize perhaps you are not the most wretched one of all.”
Xie Yuzhang had come to pay her respects to Noble Consort Chen partly because she had been hiding away for three days and it was time to show her face again. But the other reason was that she had specifically wanted to see Noble Consort Chen and Princess Anle.
If her guess, and Lin Fei’s, was correct — that in her previous life she had been pushed out for the marriage alliance due to Noble Consort Chen’s scheming — then she had essentially borne on her behalf the fate that should have been Princess Anle’s to bear.
Carrying that anger pressed deep in her heart, she had gone to see Princess Anle. But upon seeing her, she had suddenly become clear-headed.
While Lin Fei was still thinking of how to help her escape the fate of the marriage alliance, she herself had begun to wonder: was staying behind truly any better?
Of the Emperor’s four daughters, the only one to survive in the end had been herself.
Anle died. They all died.
The military governor Lin Xiupu laid siege to Yunjing. The Emperor sent a secret envoy with a gold imperial warrant to summon the military governor Huang Yungong to come to the Emperor’s rescue. Huang Yungong brought his forces, defeated Lin Xiupu — and then marched his army into the capital, trampled the imperial authority, and coerced the Emperor into abdicating.
Yunjing suffered a terrible catastrophe.
The two younger sisters vanished without a trace in the chaos of the palace upheaval. Noble Consort Chen hanged herself within the palace. And Anle — proud, proud Anle was seized by Huang Yungong’s second son. She could not bear the humiliation, and took her own life with a hairpin.
Who fared better than whom?
No one fared any better.
Noble Consort Chen, Anle — these women inside the high walls were still scheming against each other, fighting for the Emperor’s favor, unaware that these four high walls that confined them would not protect them.
Even if she managed to evade the marriage alliance now, what lay ahead? Nothing but unknown dangers.
By comparison, the grasslands and the desert wasteland — all of it was already familiar to her.
Xie Yuzhang’s eyes grew deep and distant.
That look frightened Lin Fei when she saw it.
“Elder Sister!” A child’s voice called out. “Elder Sister Baohua!”
Xie Yuzhang and Lin Fei turned to look. Two little girls, as lovely as snow-white jade, came walking hand in hand, a long train of palace attendants following behind them.
These two little girls were none other than the two younger sisters Xie Yuzhang had just been thinking of — the ones who had vanished without a trace during the palace upheaval. The older one was ten years old, bearing the title Fu Kang; the younger was only six, bearing the title Jia You.
Both of these young princesses had mothers of humble rank with little favor, and for years they had no titles at all. It was not until two years ago, when Fu Kang turned eight, that neither had yet been given a title.
It was Xie Yuzhang who had taken both younger sisters by the hand to see the Emperor, pulling at his sleeve and cajoling with playful affection: “My younger sister is already eight years old and still has no title — Father Emperor is so stingy!”
The Emperor had laughed heartily and with a wave of his hand bestowed both young princesses with titles and food stipends.