He laughed to himself as he said this, but after a few chuckles, he grew serious again.
“The third is the hardest – protect her.”
He patted my shoulder as he spoke, “It’s not just simple things like helping her reach high places or changing light bulbs. You need to have the courage to take on the burdens she can’t bear herself.”
You need to have the courage to take on the burdens she can’t bear.
Of all our late-night father-son talk, this phrase stayed with me the most.
So I decided not to force those memories on Wan Wan.
Even if they’re etched in my bones, it’s enough that I alone remember them.
Don’t break the linear flow of time, don’t make Wan Wan look back. Let her live peacefully.
As my father told me: don’t be stingy, listen to her, protect her.
Nothing more, don’t overthink it.
At the end of April 2018, I transferred from Beijing to Chengdu.
I still maintained my habit of working quietly, occasionally joining colleagues for gatherings. But whenever I had time, I would visit C University.
The university’s library and cafeteria were open to the public. I’d run into Yang Wan several times but never dared to approach her. However, I gradually discovered her dining patterns.
She liked the maocai on the third floor of the second cafeteria, but there was usually a long line. Only on Friday afternoons were there fewer people, and she would usually go around eleven-fifty to eat early.
She ate a lot when alone, filling up a whole basket of vegetables and asking for an extra portion of beef.
However, when she was with others, she would deliberately order less.
But this Friday, she didn’t come early.
I was standing with my basket, uncertain what to choose, when a student behind me urged, “Hey, could you pick faster?”
“Oh, sorry, I’ll just…”
“He’s not a student.”
I froze, turning to see Yang Wan standing beside me with a stack of documents, “Long time no see. Let me pick, you help me hold these books.”
“Okay.”
She quickly filled up a large basket, then told the server, “Auntie, two more portions of beef, two bowls of rice, not too spicy.”
Then she pointed behind her, “Deng Ying, go wait over there.”
My father said to listen to her, eat what she tells me to eat and go where she tells me to go.
I used to be that kind of person, but for these thirty years, I’ve been standing on the edge of “tranquility,” with an uneasy sea of night before me. Yet just now, when she called my name and told me to wait, I felt as if I’d taken a step back from that spiritual boundary.
“When did you come to Chengdu?”
“Beginning of this month.”
“Business trip? How long can you stay?”
“Not a business trip, I requested a transfer to the project here. Won’t be going back for a while.”
Yang Wan nodded, looking down at my leg, “Has your leg healed?”
I instinctively moved my leg back a few inches, “More or less, but I can’t do strenuous exercise yet, can’t drive for now. Wan Wan…”
I unconsciously called out “Wan Wan,” and she noticeably froze, “What did you call me?”
I panicked, not knowing how to cover it up, hurriedly standing to apologize, “I’m sorry, I…”
“It’s fine.”
She looked up with a bright smile, “You can call me Wan Wan, it’s my nickname. My brother used to call me that, though now he just uses my full name.”
She glanced at my leg again, “Deng Ying, don’t stand up so quickly.”
I hurriedly said, “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
“Mm.”
She looked away but let out a quiet sigh.
“Modern medical technology is good, it’s not a big deal now. But in the past, injuries to the bone needed careful attention, or they’d leave lasting effects. That person in history who shared your name had a leg condition.”
“Did he develop a chronic condition?”
“Yes.”
Yang Wan nodded, “Because of his father, he was imprisoned in the Ministry of Justice’s prison. His initial injury was from that time. Maybe it was too severe, or perhaps he didn’t take proper care of it, but later he had difficulty walking. Don’t end up like him.”
“I think… he was disobedient then.”
Yang Wan smiled slightly, “Whose words could he have obeyed? In the twelfth year of Zhenning, when the court was purging his father’s faction, probably no one dared speak to him.”
She habitually rested her chin on her hand, “Although we’re doing empirical research now, I wonder what he was thinking then. Ah…”
She sighed, “But even if I knew, I couldn’t write about it.”
“Why not?”
Yang Wan shrugged, “Because studying historical materials can help reconstruct events, but not the person. People are too complex – life, death, illness, emotions – unless you lived beside them, you can never truly reconstruct their life.”
At this point, she suddenly dropped her hand, “I couldn’t help myself again, telling you these irrelevant things. By the way, why do you come to our school cafeteria to eat?”
I hesitated, looking down as I said, “I don’t know what to do with my free time, so I come to the library to read.”
Yang Wan looked into my eyes, “You seem to always be alone.”
“I…”
“Even when you were sick, you stayed in the hospital alone. Deng Ying, that’s not good.”
I admitted, “I know it’s not good.”
“Ha.”
Yang Wan laughed, “You’re so well-behaved when you talk. You probably never argued with your previous girlfriends, right?”
“Wan Wan, I’ve never had a girlfriend.”
I know I must have said this too eagerly, even blushing, otherwise Yang Wan wouldn’t have kept staring at my ears.
“What is it…”
“Your ears are red.”
“Wan Wan.”
“Yes?”
“May I…”
“Pursue me?”
You thought that’s what I was going to say, right?
But it wasn’t. I thought I would say it too, but when the words reached my lips, they became something else entirely.
“May I… have a bottle of water…”
Yang Wan froze, then laughed at me again, taking out her campus card and handing it to me, “Go ahead and buy it, get two bottles, I want one too.”